Tomorrow is the last day of Passover for the Jews, the beginning of Easter for the Greek Orthodox, a huge prayer day for Muslims ( as is every Friday), AND it’s Friday the 13th!!! Jerusalem is going to be a maze!!!

So we’ve been here a little over a week in Israel, and are coming to an end in a couple days. We are in Galilee right now, having visited Peter’s house, Mt. of Beatitudes, and driven by several other historical landmarks including where Jesus fed 5000 with just a few loaves of bread and some fish (Matt 14, Mark 6, Luke 9, John 6), but this site, along with nearly all sites written about Jesus in the Bible have overly adorned monuments that take away from the history. After visiting the Garden of Gethsemane, Mount of Olives, the cross site, and the tomb of Yeshua Messiah (what the Christians here call Jesus Christ), and dozens of other biblical sites, you really have to use your imagination to get the picture.

The first few days of this trip were very difficult, so much that we changed our flights back home to make the trip shorter. It’s hard to enjoy ourselves right now, and ultimately we’d both prefer to be at home. But we’re here, and we’re gong to make the best out of it. Our original intent, which is still important, is to connect to eachother, and connect with God, and try to understand our life, if just a little bit.

We had the chance to meet up and get coffee in Jerusalem with a couple (a friend of a friend of a friend) that we didn’t know at all! They turned out to be a very nice couple, and invited us to go to worship with them, and since we weren’t doing anything else, we went. A 5 minute walk took us to the basement of a 14 story office building, and opened up to a giant underground amphitheater filled with Christians: locals, messianic Jews, immigrants, and visitors touring the Holy Land. It was definitely not what I’m used to for church, but very very neat. Everything was in English. After singing several pretty worship songs, they got ready for a sermon, but abruptly interrupted themselves to sing ONE MORE song. They sang in Hebrew directly out of Isaiah 61:1-3, with words in English to understand:

“1 “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes.”

I don’t know why, but I immediately grew uneasy, knowing that an entire congregation of a few hundred people was singing a song to Elisabeth and me — and they didn’t even know it! Although God didn’t heal Jane, He is still letting us know He’s here?!?! I cannot fathom God’s mind.

There was a last minute guest speaker, who was from a huge church in South Carolina, and the theme of his sermon was, of course, dealing with loss! It was kinda comical how much that speaker was talking right to us and had no idea.

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so instead of me blabbering on, here are a couple pictures of breath-taking moments we’ve had here.

Wailing Wall with Dome on the Rock behind:
Wailing Wall – Remnants from the Second Temple, extremely holy for Jews
Dome on the Rock – a base rock inside is widely accepted where God first began the creation of Earth. The gold dome is real gold, pure solid gold.
The most ironic part about this is that Jews and Moslems are worshipping just feet from eachother.

I think it is safe to say that this trip has been, hmmm, eye-opening…interesting…chaotic..necessary….let’s just say it has been many things!!! Here are just a few of the funny highlights that go to prove I am a complete wreck! Lol!!! (I have to laugh about it, I have no other choice, well, besides to cry).

1. Somehow I got our arrival date to israel wrong (even though I booked the tickets). So, when we arrived on the 19th at 2:30am instead of on the 20th we had no place to stay. We were both over tired, Daniel was starving, nothing was open and we were lost in an unknown city. (and for the record they might as well post a CLOSED sign in Israel during Passover).

2. In a matter of a week we managed to change hotels 4 times in the same city. That was chaotic and I can’t quite figure out how that was planned either.

3. We managed to make it out of Israel and into Rome after arguing with the Israeli rental car company over 1/4 of a gallon of gas or less. Apparently we didn’t overfill the car with gas… I dunno??!!

4. Since we decided to come home early I needed to change our hotel reservations in Italy. We showed up at this little old Italian lady’s house in Rome. She hosts a small B&B. She buzzes us into the building and I tell her that we are staying with her. She looks totally confused…so we go up to her apartment and she has nothing on her books. After a while I realize that I changed our arrival for may 20th instead of April 20th. Ahhh!!! We laugh, she laughs, and then tells us that she had worked with the reservation company for 13 years and nothing like this has ever happened. Lol!!! She kindly called her friend who has a vacant apartment and we have been able to stay there.

5. We rented bikes one day and during a leisurely bike ride I managed to run into a piece of rebar and tear a perfectly round hole in my sweatshirt.

6. Daniel dragged me all over Rome today trying to find tickets for the soccer game. We finally find the place, get our tickets and head to the game. After half time we decided to move up a few rows because something was blocking our view… I had just finished telling Daniel that it is so gross how everybody smokes here. It seemed like right after that everybody around me decided to light up. I had at least 4 cigarettes blowing right into my face. Needless to say, Daniel and I have become second hand smokers. (ok, so not really.., but it feels like it)

7. I walk into the women’s bathroom at the stadium but I was so confused that men kept walking out of the stalls. I double checked.., I was in the women’s restroom. I dunno??! Oh and apparently it’s a BYOtoiletpaper. Who woulda known?! Lol!!

These are just some of the adventurous things we have experienced…what a vacation. At least we’ve had some laughs!!!

8. Daniel just reminded me of #8… So we are on the mt. of beatitudes, overlooking the galilee and reading the sermon on the mount from Matthew 5. It was very peaceful and beautiful.., as soon as Daniel finished reading a bird pooped on his leg. This was just confirmation to us that a life for God means we will get pooped on. Perfect timing right??!! Haha!

We have returned from our journey to the Bible lands…and what an interesting trip it was! It was very different than we had expected, but what isn’t a surprise these days??!! Life has done nothing but surprise us and send us in a direction that we have never even dreamed about.

I’d like to take one more opportunity to thank all of you who have supported us and those of you who continue to hold us up. This is by far our worst nightmare and it feels like we’ve tasted a bit of hell—agony, suffering, pain. I’m sure glad we don’t have to experience this for eternity. It’s funny how life circumstances change our perspectives on life. Sometimes people think that once someone changes their mind on a topic they suddenly become hypocrites. I beg to differ…life happens and we learn and grow. Right now I cant say we’ve learned a whole lot and quite honestly I don’t care to learn anything…we miss Jane, we’re still grieving her loss, and are still thinking about her nonstop. But I’ll tell ya what- Heaven never sounded sooooo good!!! So, here we are, complete wrecks and transparent to the world taking one day at a time, even one moment at a time. We’re learning to accept the “new” me and find a “new” normal for us both. Yes, Jane will have a brother or sister one day- God willing… Yes, Jane is in a better place… Yes, Jane is no longer suffering…. I get all that. The thing about wounds, though, is that they heal, but deep cuts always leave a scar…a reminder of when we fell, a surgery we had, or the loss of our beloved child- Jane. So NOW and ALWAYS we will anticipate Christ’s return (more than we ever have before) and the day we get to reign with Him…where I no longer ache and suffer and I get to experience pure bliss like I did the 37 weeks Jane was in my womb and the 7 weeks that she lived and brought splendor to our life.  And ultimately see our Jane again.

With love,

Daniel & Elisabeth

Today Jane would be 6 months and 8 days old. Its been just over 4.5 months since she died. Life is lonely. My dreams of waking early mornings to cuddle with her or wiping her early morning tears because she’s hungry, needing a diaper change or just wanting her Mama to wake up and play with her have ceased to exist. The phone calls and cards have dwindled to almost nothing. And, although, Daniel is here with me struggling with the same deep pain we are both on our lonely and painful journey. It is true…my world stops, but the rest of the world keeps going.

That’s inevitable…but what now? What to do with myself at a time when life doesn’t feel the same, doesn’t taste as sweet, when the pain never goes away and all I want to do is just sit and drink my coffee…that is the big question? After I weigh most of my options I find that the best thing to do is to face GRIEF head on: face the pain, the loneliness, the anger, the hurt, the questions, the occasional happiness when I remember that MY Jane is in Heaven (how awesome is that?!!), and all the other roller coaster of emotions that come with this unwanted journey. So that is what I am doing. I’m not perfect at it by any means and there are plenty of days that I try to avoid the grief, but it always comes back to haunt me. One day at a time, or better yet, one half day at a time. First take on the morning or maybe let it pass and then take on the afternoon (or maybe let that pass, too).

So, last week I went for a run for the first time. It was quite exhilarating and boy did the tears pour out. That was the first time that I had actually accomplished something all the way through. I DID IT. I ran 4 miles and didnt stop. At the end, when my body was so exhausted I just cried out to Jane and told her that I was doing this for her. I was going to get healthy…I was not going to give up…I am going to continue living (even if at most times I feel like I am just existing). Later that week I even learned to crochet! I am excited to make little newborn and preemie beanies for the babies who are sick. I remember when Jane was in the hospital and I got her a cute pink and brown teddy bear hat. She was so adorable in that little hat and the nurses loved it. I know how it is to be that mom that sits and stares at her baby all day. We could still dress our babies up and have them look just as cute, even with all the accessories of tubes and IVs. 🙂 It’s those little things that bring tears of happiness and good memories to the surface.

I think it’s safe to say that facing grief head on can be soooooo tiring and difficult, but in the weeks to come I always thank myself. Finding tiny little things to pour myself into that honor Jane and encourage me to live up to the mom I would have been for Jane help me in the times of loneliness. This is my journey and only I can go through it.

I often reflect back on my time in the hospital. I read my previous posts and wonder how I possibly managed to make it through each day and then to get up and do it all over again. It’s funny, I never realized how sick Jane really was or what a roller coaster we were on because every day I was just taking care of my daughter, like any other mother would. Of course I was exhausted at times but mostly joyful for every moment I had with Jane. Nonetheless, it was not an easy journey.

One of the neatest things I have learned through this time is how important community is…friends, family and the random stranger that pops in! I know without a doubt that Daniel and I woke up every day with renewed strength because the Spirit of Christ carried us. He used His church of believers to do that. Every day or so we had somebody checking in on us…visiting, bringing words of encouragement, giving love abundantly and refueling our worn out bodies physically and spiritually. This help was with us the entire time we were in the hospital and right up until Jane’s burial. I vividly remember leaning against the wall in my house while people were gathered around and singing the afternoon after we buried Jane. I so badly wanted to fall to the ground, but I KNOW I was being held up…then something funny happened…after we buried Jane our support system went back to their own worlds, carried on with life and it literally felt like we were dropped to the ground- smack into the concrete! We had more pain than ever…our daughter was no longer with us, my arms were empty, our hearts were completely broken as the reality of Jane’s death began to set in, it felt like God had slammed the door on our faces and the people scattered.

So, as expected, I wondered and thought a lot about why this would happen. I knew I couldn’t have expectations of people; I knew that wouldn’t be fair. I knew people had lives to get back to. I knew this was given to me by God and there was no way on earth I could pass it off nor would I want to. I went through much turmoil just thinking about it and wondering how I could keep going. Slowly by slowly, Daniel and I received some very encouraging letters and my spirits were lifted tremendously. I was finally able to take a….very…deep…breath! And, more recently we had a group of people come visit us. At this point, I think I was floating a little.

I am just soooooo thankful for these moments of renewal. I had been on the ground for a long time and I couldn’t quite find the strength to get up. You know, it makes total sense why Apostle Paul wrote letters of encouragement and accountability. It’s easy for me to wonder when I will fall again or how long this “good feeling” will last. But for now, I’m basking in it! The encouragement and the love shown has lifted a tiny portion of this suffering. I’m taking a couple steps forward, I’m smiling a little more, pleasing Daniel by laughing at his jokes a little more 🙂 I have found that I underestimate what a little card or a phone call or a visit can do. It’s worth millions!

Today I walked into my grief counselors office and had to hit myself. I thought, “this is a dream, isn’t it? I didn’t really have a daughter who passed away. Wait, you mean I’m 28 years old and I am walking into a grief counseling appointment because my baby girl passed away, seriously, this is real???”

I find that many days I am still in denial about all of this. How could it be? How could it be that almost a year ago I bore a beautiful child of God, a gift and blessing like no other, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen or felt and it was snatched from me. Every day I wake up hoping that my nightmare will end, that none of it true. Except, that it IS true. It is sooooo very, very TRUE and REAL.

The other days that I am not in denial I’m usually ready to scream my head off at the world. I see the silliest things happening around me and I just want to shake some people and knock some sense into them. You know, let them know that things aren’t that bad for them. But then who am I to talk? I have to keep reminding myself that my journey is different (blah, blah, blah)…that whole compassion thing or something? I dunno?! (That was a little blunt, huh?) The rest of my days I just carry on because thats what I have to do. Most of my time is spent thinking about Jane, all of her cute, tiny details of her body and of course when Christ plans on returning because I’m losing patience every day. PLEASE HURRY!!!

So here I am and another year has come and gone. I definitely have not made any resolutions this year. I think I will just see where the wind takes me. Thats what I have been doing and I seem to be getting by. I will continue to ask God and seek His peace, the peace that surpasses understanding. Maybe, just maybe…I’ll even seek joy. (but let’s not get too carried away 🙂

It’s hard to swallow that its been a year already since my little girl was born. I often reflect on all the things that were going on around this time last year. I remember on the 17th I had breakfast at my aunts house with my Australia cousins. After breakfast, Daniel and I went to a fetal monitoring appointment. (which had become normal for us) Jane still wasn’t scheduled to be born until early February. We showed up to the appointment and that morning was the last time I would be home for the next 7 weeks….of course we didn’t expect any of that. Jane wasn’t moving around and tumbling as much as she usually had so the nurses sent me to the hospital to be checked in for overnight monitoring. Between bed pans and constant monitoring, not being able to get out of bed and needing to shower Daniel and I got comfortable and spent the night at St. Joes. In the morning on the 18th, Dr. Anzaldo came to visit us and told us that after much thought and weighing the pros and cons he would be doing a c-section that afternoon. DEEP BREATH….here we go…

I remember everything about that delivery. Side note: I was a volunteer at Hoag Hospital for a while so I watched several c-sections and had a good idea what was going on around me. I remember coming into the OR and it was too quiet. I asked the nurses where the music was and soon enough it was playing throughout the OR. After anesthesia and the whole process….Jane was born at 4:17pm. As soon as she was delivered a peace came over me like I had never experienced. My nerves were calm and I was so glad she was alive, that she had blessed us with her presence into this world. Daniel went right over to see her. I was sooooooo HAPPY and JOYFUL she was here!

Fast forward a year and here I am now….empty-armed, yet remembering everything about her, about my Jane. So, on her birthday we went to the cemetery to “visit” Jane. I guess I look at it more as a time to just stop and think about Jane, to cry, to remember. I went to the cemetery with my mom, my sister and Daniel. My in-laws placed 18 beautiful pink cyclamen at her grave. My mom brought a vase of vibrant flowers and 3 pink balloons. We released one of them up to the heavens. We all laughed and thought that if for some crazy reason that pink balloon really reached the heavens Jane would surely know it was for her. After we all had our moments of silence, our own personal thoughts about Jane we left the cemetery and went back home to prepare for dinner at the Ronald McDonald House. Daniel and I decided that we want to cook dinner at the Ronald McDonald House every year in celebration and honor of Jane’s birthday.

We had a nice time cooking dinner that evening. We even got to hear what other peoples lives were like at the moment and share the story of our Jane. There were tons of leftovers, but we were assured that the food will be eaten. Of course we know first hand the schedules of the parents with children in the hospital can be a little miscalculated.

A few months back my youngest brother touched my heart in such a beautiful way….

He came to me and told me that this year (2013) would be the last year he is eligible to auction a heifer at the Kern County Fair. He had decided that all of the money he raises he would like to donate to heart research in memory of his niece, Jane Siapin. As Jane’s mother, I was honored by his compassion, love and desire to improve the lives of others who may find themselves in the same traumatic experience that we have had- just last year. After much consideration, John decided that Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital would be his hospital of choice for the donation…

A bit of history— Jane was flown from Children’s Hospital of Orange County (CHOC) to Stanford for an emergency heart surgery 11 days into her life. We lived in Stanford for just over a month while she recovered from her heart surgery, at which point she was transferred back to CHOC to continue her recovery and died unexpectedly 3 days later. Because of her heart complications, she had many secondary complication that came into play. Our cardiologist told us that often times the challenge is helping such small babies survive through all of the machines and equipment that are actually trying to keep them alive. Nutrition is also a critical part in their ability to pull-through. More often than not, very small babies (like Jane) lack the ability to take in and process food efficiently so that their bodies can absorb all of the nutrients to help with their fight for survival. This is an area that still requires much research.

…Last year when John auctioned his heifer he had a goal of 10k and just missed the mark. This year he has held onto that goal of $10,000 and will donate ALL of the proceeds to Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital in Stanford. I love the way he worded it. He said to me, “I’m not interested in improving the beauty of the building, I want the money to go directly to research for Ebstein’s Anomaly (which was Jane’s congenital heart defect), or anything heart related in small babies. I wouldn’t even mind donating the money directly to some baby’s heart surgery.” We have already been in contact with Lucille Packard and that is exactly where the money will go. In fact, a few months back I spoke with Jane’s cardiologist and he is currently working on research that focuses on small babies with heart conditions.

If you would like to be part of this incredible donation, please review the following information:

1. You will need to fill out the Kern County Fair Junior Livestock Auction Form- Buyers Authorization, Designation, and Auction Number Application. It needs to be signed and either faxed and emailed back to: F- (877) 636-0299 ; Email- Daniel Siapin-danielsiapin@gmail.com

2. Checks can be made payable to: KCFJL and mailed to John Kosareff, 1250 Arrow Wood Drive, Brea CA 92821. A credit card donation is also acceptable.

3. The donation is 100% tax deductible

4. We will need to receive form and donation NO LATER than September 20, 2013.

Thank you very much for your support and willingness to improve the lives of others. The truth is, having a child die in your arms is by far the worst life-changing event that I have experienced. It sucks the life right out of you. If by God’s great mercy we are able to help future families, it is worth the effort and money.

I’d like to take this last moment to brag a little bit more about my brother, John. Growing up he has always had a heart of gold. I’ll never forget how much he loved animals. He use to gather together puppies that our dog had (thinking they were beanie babies) and just squeeze and love them with all his might. We usually had to intervene at some point and remind him they were real animals. . 🙂 Moving forward several years and into 2012, he was one guy that I could always talk to about Jane and share my memories. He has been comforting beyond what he knows. When he came to me with this idea of donating the money in memory of Jane, he wasn’t looking for any praise…but he surely deserves it. It really is an extraordinary action! Just recently an uncle of ours who lives in Australia was diagnosed with cancer. The family called to see if he would come live in Australia and help on the farm. With little thought, he agreed and left within a matter of days. He is coming back to auction his heifer during the week of the Kern County Fair and plans to return to Australia after the fair to continue helping our uncle and his family. John’s love and care for others continues to spill out unconditionally.